NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION – clear the air!

 AN OPEN LETTER

to every pain-in-the-ass I’ve ever known….

Dear [insert name here],

You are a brilliant [insert title].

You have more certifications than a rehab center, and you seem to love your mother…

However:

You are negative.

You are a whiner.

You are cranky and a know-it-all.

You are always late to [appointments, meetings, parties], if you show up at all.

You seem to think you're above answering emails or phone messages.

You demean your friends.

You drop the F-bomb (which at times, can be very funny) inappropriately.

I can't trust to let you in the same room with anyone I care about.

You drop bad news prematurely, claiming that you were taught to tell the truth.

You have never learned the value of silence. You have the right, but not the ability.

You exaggerate, if not plain lie.

Overall, you are a royal pain in the ass and WAY too high maintenance.

Next time you think of getting together with me; don’t bother. I’ve really tried with you, but I’m running out of garlic….. and I'm kicking your sorry-ass to the curb.

Wow, I’m feeling much better now!

Boo-yah!

SPEAKING OF SHOPPING…

Yesterday I was shopping for a few last minute items for Christmas at an un-named department store, and observed a woman about my age… [Sabertooth-ish] looking at men’s underwear. She had a slight frown on her face; not angry, but more of a ‘what the hell should I buy’ look.

Carpe Diem! I chuckled and said, “It’s been a while since I purchased men's underwear. When did they get so expensive?”

She looked surprised and replied, “I know. It’s ridiculous!”

“I thought panties were expensive, but three pair of these for $34? I told my husband if I was going to spend that much on his undies, he was going to wear something more interesting than tighty-whities!”

She and I laughed and proceeded to have an interesting conversation about whether it was improper for a grandmother to give her college age grandson undies for Christmas.

She showed me a pair of [brand name] athletic boxer shorts, in a stylish, dark blue. She asked if I thought her grandson would be horrified.

I said, ‘Not at all. My guess is he’ll think you are totally cool… however, a thong might cross the line.”

We laughed and went our separate ways.

My point? Don’t be shy; reach out to your Sabertooth sisters! We’re an experienced, fascinating group. Let’s loosen up and bond.

Case in point. I was grocery shopping a while back in an unfamiliar store. I asked a woman who was passing me if she knew where the cookies were.

She frowned and snapped: “You’re asking me because I’m fat and I would know where the damned cookies are, right?”

I laughed and said, “No… you’re the only person around!”

She sighed and told me how she’d been unsuccessful in her many attempts to lose weight, and admitted she just might be a bit sensitive on the subject.

Then she laughed and told me where the cookies were. 

We continued on our way with smiles. Good times….

THE HOLIDAYS are here……

DO YOU HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR?  ARE YOU TOTALLY STRESSED OUT,

AND DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR RELATIVES BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS FIGHT?

REALLY? I MEAN… REALLY?

THEN DON’T FREAKIN’ DO IT!  

“But I have to….”  

           No you don’t.

“But we always get together.”

           So you always get together even though no one enjoys it.

Well, I guess some enjoy it.

           Are you one of them?

Well, sometimes…”

           Then just what are you bitching about?

“I’M STRESSED!”

           About what, exactly?

“I buy people really good, well thought out presents and no one likes them. It’s not fair!”

           Then stop buying presents.

“But they will be expecting something…”

           Then… make a charitable contribution in THEIR name and give them a card stating that.

“They won’t like that.”

           You said they don’t like anything, so they worst thing that can happen is that some charity will benefit. Right….?

“Yeah…” 

           So, what else has you stressed?

“The baking and cooking and decorating…”

           Then:

                      Got buy your goodies at the bakery

                      Keep you menu simple, after you’re choosing it.

                      Keep your decorations to a minimum.

“I can’t do that! I have to do all those things!”

           Really? I mean… Really?

Then the solution is simple: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!

You are stressed because you allow yourself, and choose to be stressed.

Ah, ah, ah!

You are choosing to be a whiny gas-bag. 

Why? Because everyone else is. And if you watch television and movies, it’s the cool thing to do, and that kind of negative thinking is in epidemic proportions. Its become totally un-cool to love Christmas. What kind of bullshit is that?

Well, friends, I LOVE CHRISTMAS and the whole holiday season, starting with Halloween. I love to decorate, cook and bake. I never, and I mean NEVER cook, bake or place one decoration that I don’t want to.

Is it that easy. YES!  If you really don’t wanna do it; then don’t. 

PEACE, LOVE, OUT!

Acknowledgment; a Necessary and Good Thing

….but not when it’s just redundant, empty words.

I once worked for a company with several people who were true believers in Acknowledgment, and every time I turned around, I was told, “You are so valuable. We really appreciate you… blah, blah, blah.

I didn’t work for or with any of them, and I doubt they even knew what my job function was. They might as well have been robots. It was so freakin’ irritating and more than that, it was mindlessly insincere.

Hold on, I’m not saying that acknowledging good work and/or service isn’t a good or necessary venture. I’m just saying make it count. Know the person you are praising, know their work, and PULEASE don’t overdo it. One too many ‘you are a rock star’ comments, and you might as well tell them ‘you’re really very average’.

So what if someone really is just average; then what? Well, that depends. Are you the companies Social Director and it’s your job to compliment people mindlessly?

Oh, you’re not; okay then... skip the whole thing.

I’m talking about managers that run teams, divisions, etc., and you have some very qualified people that work very well with and for you. Simply tell them that you value them, without all the bullshit and flowers. Easy, huh?  You’d think, but some managers just don’t get it!

Okay, so this same person I mentioned earlier, almost every day, would seek me out and begin to tell me how wonderful, neat, cool and indispensable I was. You guessed it; I flipped out.

I just could not take one more empty compliment, so instead of simply saying, ‘thanks’, I said, “I’ll tell you exactly how valuable I am. I earn $___­­­­____ dollars per year, always make a bonus of $_______ quarterly. I am invited to all the private corporate parties and I always get to sit at the cool kids table in the cafeteria. Now fair is fair, tell me how valuable you are, m-kay?” 

After that day, life got a lot better at that place. I did good work, I knew it… and I was still sitting at the cool kids table. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Peace and Sincerity

THOUGHTS ON PLASTIC SURGERY AND/OR BOTOX

I know many women who swear by both. I’m guessing that there must be something in the anesthetic that make it addictive, because once you start, it seems to be an endless process. But… after watching Plastic Surgery Horror Stories… ahhhhhh! I can’t even imagine taking that kind of risk; but that’s just me.

I’m sure no one thinks it will happen to them. “Mine will be fine. My doctor said I was a good candidate.” Okay then, I guess some of the mutilated women you can find in any mall, must just be the unlucky ones.

What I love is some of the before and after pictures, that you can’t tell apart. See? It’s the drugs they give you. YOU see something very different that what the rest of the world sees. YOU look in the mirror and see Bo Derek  at 17, while everyone else see Phyllis Diller (No offense intended; Phyllis looks great for 94!).

Plastic surgery has worked wonders for thousands of women and that’s a fact, but what if you were the one in a hundred?  YIKES!

Then there’s Botox. There are other choices, but Botox is the most popular and I freakin’ DO NOT GET IT. For a good laugh, just Google, ‘duckface’.  There are movie stars that insist they lips are natural, even though you can look up pictures of them before they succumbed to the duckface look; some less, some more.

Look up Megan Fox [just to mention one] in high school as a teenager… Why would a pretty women want to have fat lips and frozen snot trough? I do know why, but it is a bit obscene… So you want to know? Okay, but you asked. I man who is one of by best friends, once said that one of the duckfaced actresses was sooooo sexy and fantasized about… well… ‘Oh, those lips!’

I knew where he was going, but I put him on the fire. “What about the lips?” I asked.

“Come on, you know! All men dream about oral sex with lips like those.”

“Would you like your wife to have lips like those?”

“No… well, maybe just once in a while!” Then he started to laugh and blush [true story]!

So, as long as you stay away from freezing your snot trough, and go easy on the whole Botox thing… hell, I don’t know. If you can tell someone has used Botox, then it’s too much. And if you decide to give it a try, I hope you get the results you want.

Peace

SABERTOOTHS' TRUTHS!

I received this in an email from my daughter, who is a Sabertooth in training. Of course, she doesn’t think so, but just give it time…. but I digress!  I don’t know who the author is, but you know it’s a woman!

Enjoy!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10.      Cats' facial expressions.

 9.       The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

 8.       Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

 7.       Fat clothes.

 6.       Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

 5.       The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

 4.       Cutting your hair to make it grow.

 3.       Eyelash curlers.

 2.       The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

 AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1.     OTHER WOMEN

Enjoy your weekend!

GROW OUR NETWORK, ONE SISTER at a TIME

Acknowledge your sisters; make eye contact and smile. Compliment your sisters. Don’t lie, but find something, and say it. If you really can’t find anything at all [which is doubtful] just say ‘have a wonderful day’.  

First of all, your sister will look surprised. This is sad, but we pass each other on a daily basis, and think to ourselves ‘cute haircut’…. [okay, so I’m obsessed], or nice shoes, neat purse… So verbalize that thought! It will make another sister’s day. Then she will pass the gesture along.

We live in very stressful times and it’s much too easy to be bitchy. Yes, you’re right, sometimes it is fun, as long as we don’t make a habit out of it. We have to band together. We certainly are not getting the recognition we deserve from a lot of the younger generation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am painting with a wide brush.

I want to see every Sabertooth walking proud, heads held high; proud to have lived and accomplished everything we have, without excuses! I hate it when I hear a older woman sigh ‘I’m old’. You are NOT old, unless you choose to think you are. You are accomplished. Sit down and start writing everything you’ve accomplished in your 50, 60, 70 or more years. You will be amazed!

Remember what Cher once said when talking about the up and coming young diva’s: “I’ve been an evil freakin’ diva for 40 freakin’ years. Top that, Bitches!”

All women are a Sisterhood… know it, believe it; pass it on!

BEWARE of EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES

I find myself these days searching for that illusive line between Positive Thinking and Self Delusion. Every time I think I’ve struck the perfect balance between the two, I find that I’m woefully wrong; especially when it comes to friends, or rather, acquaintances.

Let me explain. I’m one of those people that everyone seems to go to for validation. For some reason, my acceptance is needed to validate life itself. Sometimes I play along and bless them, however… sometimes the person neither warrants or deserves validation. Sometimes the person is just having a pity party and wants me to assure them that they are either right and life sucks, or talk them into seeing how truly gifted and marvelous they really are. Homey don’t play those games anymore, because those games can suck the life right out of you, and I will not empower emotional vampires. Say it with me: “I will not empower emotional vampires”. Believe it or not, at the moment, your probably are.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the ‘there are no problems, only opportunities’ bullshit. I’m talking about an intelligent, creative approach to problem solving, rather than the much too easy ‘let whoever caused the problem, solve it’. As I may have mentioned before… women are a sisterhood, and we either all succeed or we all fail. It seems too easy, why do so few people get it?

Okay, so where does that leave us? How do you keep a realistic positive attitude when the world around you is falling into the abyss? Oh, wait! That sounded rather negative, didn’t it? OMG, it’s catching! Thinking of unicorns… unicorns and puppies…… okay, I’m better.

So how do you deal with a gloom and doom husband, partner, sister, brother or imaginary friend? What do you do with the person who can fall into a pile of rose’s petals and complain that about the smell of fertilizer? How do you stop that kind of thinking from infecting your personal universe; and it will if left unchecked.

First you have to set up some rules to derail the Emotional Vampire before seeing them:

Declare your personal space a negative-free zone.

Of course you can talk about problems, but leave the emotions as the door.  

Be prepared to discuss your view of the problem; the good, the bad and the ugly.
Give credit where credit is due. Ask your vampire directly is anyone has been a help to them lately. Force them to have a positive thought.

If you are aware of a particular issue before the meeting, come with some possible solutions. Just throwing out a problem with no solution, is fodder for the EV and gives him/her a starting gun for the whole gloom and doom scenario.

 No one is allowed to sit silently, stare at the clock and sigh.

That’s a good start. We’ll go into more ideas as they come. Right now I have to string some garlic for my next EV encounter.

Peace, Strength and Patience!

THINGS THAT DISTURB MY CALM...

There are No Problems— Only Opportunities for Success

Well, isn’t that a crock? How as at least partially educated people did we ever come up with that inane philosophy? We really have to stop demeaning ourselves with that kind of thinking.

When you have a problem, put on your big-girl panties and call it what it is; a problem! If at the last minute you wuss-out, at least call it an issue, but never refer to it as an opportunity, or I swear to Starbucks, I’ll hunt you down……..

There is no “I” in Team
And there’s no “I” in ‘fat chance’, ‘really?’ or ‘get bent’. Trust me, I cleaned that one up.

Usually that kind of manipulative crap comes from a sales dork, trying to get you to do ‘a little favor’ – some menial task that they could do for themselves, but are too elite or just plain lazy.

DON’T DO IT! It’s a slippery slope and it’s not easy getting back up that hill, unless you take a chain saw to the user (male or female)….

Case in point: An engineer on a project I was leading (business-as-usual, no big whoop) needed to fly across country for a three day job. He asked me to get him a window seat and a king-size bed because he hated to be cramped. I reminded him I was his manager and not his assistant.

He then went in to a long (and boring) story about on his last job, the manager insisted on doing everything for him. Bering the sensitive person I am, I suggested that possibly that other manager wanted to sleep with him, and then assured him that I didn’t, so he’d have to fend for himself.

Collecting for Charity in the Workplace…

Yeah, this is a touchy subject, so let me explain before you to all Fox on me (referring to the hysterical diva O’Reilly at Fox News).

Before I happened to stumble into my current profession, I ran an office for a national service-type company. A sales dork (hmmm, I see a pattern forming) suggested that we put a large box wrapped in Christmas paper by the check-out desk, so our clients could bring in canned food items for the needy.

I questioned if that was really the place for such an endeavor, to which she replied (and I’m serious): “Well, maybe when they see the box, even if we don’t give them exactly what they want, they might realize that some people are not as fortunate as they are, and not complain.”

Really? Did you get all that? What a self-serving con! And when in your experience have you’ve paid for something, but were willing to take less because some people are less fortunate than you?

I bet her twenty dollars that it wouldn’t work. One month later I collected my winnings standing right next to that empty box [which I dropped in the bucket of the Salvation Army bell ringer].

“I just don’t get it,” she kept repeating. I just nodded and sighed: “I know.”

I'd love to say, once you identify your pain points, they all go away, but they don't. But talking and/or writing about them, helps. Just reading what I just wrote, made me laugh...  Sometimes I'm such a dork! [still laughing!]

BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU ASK FOR....

Stand proud sisters; you have knowledge

and experience that money can’t buy

 Once when I was being interviewed, I was asked what I’m looking for in a company. In my in-side-the-head voice say: “I want to make a butt load of money due to my genius, work about 3 hours a day, and have my teams adore and worship me for my knowledge and guts.” But what generally comes out is: “I want to work with nice people…..” And as silly as it may sound, I meant it.

Well I’ll be … I got my wish! The nice people part, not the butt load of money part. Nice people, great surroundings and a decent paycheck. I should be in hog’s heaven, don’t you think? But I’m not.

Root cause analysis time! I ask myself:

What is bothering you? The nice people.

Isn’t that what you wanted? Yes

So what’s the problem? You have nice people, just like you asked.

Wait! Maybe we should define ‘nice’! (Ah-ha, the $3.50 I spent on the coffee while reading a USA Today introspective on proto-analysis is now paying big dividends!)

What is nice? Let’s make a list of nice attributes! After all, we’re highly organized and lists are our life!

Nice is:

People not being deliberate pains-in-the-ass

People who smile appropriately

People to offer help and suggestions rather than demand help

People who can stop working long enough to engage in occasional social banter.

So, are the people ‘nice’?

Yep, they certainly are!

Then what is the problem?

Wait; is there such a thing as being too nice? Ahhh-haaa!

Yes! They smile way too much, yet no one is that happy! Have they missed scheduled medications or just waiting for an opportune time to cook off some crystalline devils dandruff?

Crap, these folks wouldn’t say crap if they had a burning bag of it on their desks! What kind of games are they playing? Do they have something so hideous in their pasts that they can’t stop smiling, as the reoccurring memories are just too delicious to let go of?

Does this really affect the day’s progress?

You tell me…One guy hijacks all conversations within ear shot, no matter what the focus of the discussion. This nice person will jumps in, commandeer the conversation and wander off in the weirdest direction!

Seriously, he smiles and injects, “yeah, but, have you ever wondered what…” And continues to describe or construct a straw-man or a contention that is so full of crap, you wonder how he could pile it that high and it not slump over due to gravity.

Then, the other nice folks blindly follow the course and respond in a children-of-the-corn type monotone: “no, I never thought that…’. And off we go!

By then I just want to shove hot burning spikes deep into my ears and block it all out…

How many pleasant conversations can you have about the lovely freakin’ weather? I think I’m working with Stepford-Children-of-the-Corn people, except these clones are just comical, out of shape, real people.

I am to the point of wanting to stand up on my desk, open my blouse and while the old warm winds of truth blow over my girls; burst out with a string of coarse expletives that would make a dockworker blush, all in an attempt to bring a bit of worldly grit into play!

Next time an employer asks what I want in a company, I just might have to tell them the truth.

Peace; pass it on!

IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR BAGGAGE, I GUESS

A dear friend of mine [male] said that this blog was not funny and sounded very angry; not like me at all. I said that Sabertooth instead of Cougar... is funny! He countered with the fact that he'd had more than one ex-wife that he considered to be sabertooths, and that they both ripped his guts out. 

I promised him that we, as a group here at the Sabertooth Sister, are not those kinds of kitties. 
We play nice, have a laugh and stand up for ourselves... blah, blah, blah.

I do understand how he feel though. I knew his ex-wives and they were... well, let's leave well enough alone. I don't want to re-open the gates of hell, if you get my drift.


Peace and a beautiful weekend, my sisters!

Myths, and Things I just Don’t Get

I just need to clear the cobweb on this lovely Friday morning.....

Why is Boston Market still open? Boston Markets only purpose (in my opinion) is to keep all other bad restaurants from being the worst place in town.

Eyebrows that look like they were drawn on with a Sharpie. I don’t get it, but maybe I’m behind times, but I do know that soft, penciled brows are more flattering to women over 50. I’m just saying….

Walk fast, carry a clipboard and look worried, make you look important. No, it just makes you look unorganized and ill-equipped to do your job.

Copying everyone you know on all your emails makes you look important and productive. WRONG! This one really pisses me off. DO NOT copy anyone just for fun; make it count, unless it’s a really good joke.

What is that crap in the center of a Twinkie? And why does it stay on your teeth until you brush again? Yikes, I just grossed myself out.

Muffin-tops are cute. I think this one must have been made up by the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Yes, large women certainly have the right to wear anything they want, but a fat-tire protruding through between the t-shirt and jeans, is just plain nasty.

Girls get pleasure…. from riding horses. This one was made up by some horny teenage boy trying to explain why his girlfriend would rather ride her horse than spend time with him. Anyone who believes this should take a class in anatomy.

Budgets [home or business] are written in stone
Noooooooo…. A budget is only a probability statement; not an absolute pledge. 

I’ll do my best, so, phhhtt!

THE ‘DOUCHE’

Every company, club, gym or any group… has one or more of archetype we here in the States call ‘a douche’; which in itself is unfortunate, because a douche bag serves a very useful purpose. Yours may be old or young; male or female. When the day is done, they're all egotistical, narcissistic, self-absorbed, arrogant, pompous, royal pains-in-the-ass.

Allow me to elaborate: too loud, too smiley, pontifical and rambles about theory, concepts and general nonsense. The strange and mysterious drivel falling from their lips is generally 100% erroneous, flawed, incorrect or invalid! The words, "I don't know" have never crossed their lips. They just wing it and like some monkey in a cage flinging poo at the wall in hopes some of it may stick. The claptrap has nothing in particular to do with the question at hand. They always sweep in late, just so they can complain how busy and/or overworked they are. And the most irritating part is that they always do it with a big smile and a sigh. Makes me want to go all “Leather Face” on them! 

Any organized persons knows when acting as a Facilitator (for any endeavor) you say touchy-feely things like, "What I hear you saying is…", but the silly repeats every key point that's made by anyone in a meeting; slowly while nodding in agreement. The assembled crowed rolls their eyes or checks time on their cell phones, while I’m thinking “Fire up the chainsaw!”

Probably the most worrisome trait is how the douche attempts to turn every remark into a sexual double entendre. Now, I work with some very robust and tough women and most are highly skilled in vocal bouts that would make a longshoreman blush. But, damn! Listening to a douche spouting snickering twelve year old boy’s female anatomy jokes, is just embarrassingly stupid.

Most go to their “happy place” and dream of unicorns, puppies and kittens – but all I  hear is the sounds of a revving two stroke engine, a leather mask and maybe a few screams of terror…

I feel much better now. Now, what about those puppies…..

As a wise man once said: “SOMEDAY MEANS NEVER”

 Sabertooth: when you’ve outgrown and evolved past

the cougar stage and boy-toys.

Unless it’s something like “Someday I’ll retire”, you need to get moving.

What are we all waiting for? I’m not criticizing, I’m just wondering.

Funny as it seems [even to me], I’ve always wanted a thin, Maori-type tattoo in the form of an anklet. No butterfly thingy for me, but a simple, shades of black and grey… not something bodacious or trashy, but a sweet, sophisticated anklet…

Three things: I’ve always wanted one, but I’m still without the tat, and still justifying the desire. Goofy, huh?

So why haven’t I?  I don’t know, except I know it will hurt. But hell, I went through natural childbirth, with no drugs at all, and that was in a much more tender part than an ankle. LOL!

I’m really going to look in to it, and not ‘someday’.  I mean this week! I have to plan it so it will be healed before my next big ‘do’ [Californian for soiree].

Hey, I might have one… Okay, so I have to have it done before New Years Eve.  

Anyway… although I feel Nike has human rights violations, their ‘just do it’ is right on. Want that tat? Just do it! What else, what else…

Ah, when my husband and I were in Cancun, Mexico we took a booze cruise to the Isla Mujeres. Mujeres was a small island about seven miles off shore with a restaurant right on the bay and huge sea turtles you could swim with [deep sigh]. On the boat were two women in their late sixties wearing bikinis. Yep, bikinis, tons of local costume jewelry and deep tans.

Some of the people on the boat were very disapproving; clucking like comedy church ladies. Personally, I thought it was WONDERFUL. One young-ish woman suggested they might consider wearing something more ‘age appropriate’.

They both laughed, and said: “We never have to see you people again and frankly”… then she whispered, “I don’t give a shit what you think.”

I laughed my ass off! The young-ish woman gasped and shut up for the rest of the trip. These women drank, swam with the turtles, danced and had a wonderful time! I was amazed how free they were. Everyone should be so uninhibited!

I don’t mean reckless or rude. Twenty-something women wearing bikinis is no big deal, so what’s wrong with two women in the sixties wearing the same thing?

No, they didn’t look like models, but so what; neither do 70% of young women who wear them. 

Okay, so I’m finished ranting about that. Note of caution: If you’re over 60, you might not want to walk around your own neighborhood in a bikini… I’m just saying. Save it for your vacation!

[To be continued]

LET'S GIVE THE SISTERS A BREAK

Sabertooth:  when you’ve evolved past, and out grown the  

cougar stage and boy-toys.

 
So, I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive about hairdressers, and that they ask everyone those inane questions. Is that a fact? Do they really ask a woman of 25 “Have you considered a wash/wear perm?” or “Do you still work?”

Okay, so I will lay off the hairdressers, until next time when one is condescending. It will happen; I guess it’s in their nature. All that gossiping and cattiness. Cattiness; hmmm...

Then it’s not entirely their fault. It’s because hairdressers are predominately ‘women’, and women [like it or not] are cats. Big, beautiful Sabertooth cats….

Another issue is one of listening. Every woman I know says her hairdresser ‘does not always listen’. Really? I worked with a woman who’d never had a moment of joy in her life. Well, probably. She was complaining about her haircut. I mistakenly asked what the problem was. I didn’t mean to engage her, but it just slipped out.

She said I told her I wanted ‘it over the ears’ as she gestured with her finger about half covering her ear. I smiled [and tried not to laugh] and said ‘you realize that over the ears could also mean up over the ears, just like you have.’

She looked shocked with the realization that she hadn’t explained herself properly, but countered with ‘but she’s cut my hair before.’

I smiled and as I walked about pretending my cell phone was ringing said, ‘and in between your haircuts, she’d probably cut over one-hundred other women.’ 

Yes, sometimes they don’t listen, or perhaps on occasion think they know what’s best for us, but more than likely, we don’t fully explain what we want. So if you want ‘over the ear’, demonstrate with your fingers.  ‘A little off the ends’, use your fingers again. A totally different haircut? For everyone’s sake, bring a picture.                             

Me, I have carry a picture of Sharon Stone in her famous Pixie cut in my purse, just in case I have the urge for a cut. Sharon OWNS the Pixie cut. She is my idol.

Peace.

THE MOVIES!

Sabertooth: when you’ve outgrown and evolved past the cougar stage and boy-toys...

Let’s talk about how ‘the movies’ portray older [s h u d d e r] women….

They generally portray women over 45 as demure and easily shocked.

Then when a woman really gets old [Jessica Tandy], there are parts for them again; sometimes even good parts. But face it, not many.

Of course there are exceptions, Dame Judy Dench, Helen Mirren for example. Oh, and Glenn Close (in Damages). Meryl Streep made movies about older women in a sexual situations (It’s Complicated and Mamma Mia), and I applaud her! 

But! What about Sharon Stone, Sigourney Weaver and Goldie Hawn? All beautiful, funny, and great actors, but I don’t see them burning up the screen anymore. They committed the unforgiveable sin of ‘aging’ [blood curdling scream]!

Let’s talk about Hollywood’s bias towards dirty old men, dating young girls/women, and against women over 50 [it’s really more like 40, but I won’t quibble]. Just for fun, let’s examine some specifics of some asinine dialogue. There are more, but this one really irked me when I saw it.

FLASHDANCE

When meeting her ‘friends’ ex-wife Jessica Beal says, “As a matter of fact... l fucked his brains out,”  to which his ex replies, “Obviously, you did. Charmed, dear.”

Much too gracious for the encounter. The ex-wife seemed embarrassed, excuses herself and slinks away.

She should have laughed and said, “Oh, baby girl… That was accomplished years ago!” Then blew him a kiss and walked away slowly, laughing and shaking her head.

First, the character had no valid reason to be so damned crude, rude and snarky to a woman she didn’t even know. Actually, there was nothing to remotely like about that Beal character, except the dance number with the whole water thing— very cool.

Secondly, her would-be boyfriend was a total dork. Enough said.

Let’s see…

Young, pretty witches are always good, and the old, ugly crones are almost always bad. I’d love to see a sweet attractive old crone and a mean, bitchy young witch. No one would believe it, huh? No, wait—

PRACTICAL MAGIC

with Stockard Channing and Dianne Wiest. They, and that movie are the exception, and that’s the ONLY example I can come up with, and I’ve tried. Of course, Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman were equally brilliant.

We will remain, 'fair and balanced' even if FOX isn't.

Peace!

RULE # 2: The Sabertooth Sisterhood is by, for and inclusive of ALL women

[I swear it’s a true story]:

My distance vision is perfect due to RK years ago on just one eye. The eye surgeon told me that my eyes would then balance things out and I could see perfectly close and far. It worked beautifully. However he did warn me that eventually my close vision would get worse; aging and all that crap.

So it started to happen, either my arms were too short or my up close vision was failing miserably. Contact lenses! Easy enough, and cheap too since I only needed one at a tune for the close-vision eye.

I went to an optometrist out of the phone book [never a good idea].

She had huge, long puffy hair, way too much makeup, perfume and jewelry.

I started my mantra from the moment I walked in: “I will not judge, I will not judge, I will not judge…”

The exam began and still I kept an open mind even through her many sighs and deep breaths. I really wanted to ask her if I was keeping her from something more interesting, but I did not.

Then she said, “I’m sorry I can’t make you any younger.” Yep, that’s what she said. Then I took a deep breath, and another. And then another.

“I didn’t ask to be made younger,” I said making those annoying little quote marks in the air. “Besides, just what would that accomplish?” I asked with a slight smile.

          

“Well, better eyesight!” she snipped. “And you wouldn’t want to be younger?” She actually gasped in astonishment.

          

“No.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Because I wouldn’t have the experience, knowledge or patience to put up with people like you saying totally idiotic things. Now, are you going to get on with the exam, or shall I consider this appointment canceled?”

“I’ll write you a prescription for contacts,” she mumbled and walked out. I hope that was a learning experience for her about Customer Service, but I seriously doubt it. Empathy is a very good thing; condescension is NOT.

        

Please understand, I’m not suggesting we turn in to a roving band of bitches. Merely that instead of simpering and always deferring, we stand proud and speak our minds. We have to change the perception of older women, one instance at a time.

Our message to the world? “They don’t make ‘em like us anymore. Look, observe, listen and learn!”

Peace my sisters!

RULE # 1: Men may come and go, but women are a Sisterhood.

So, anyway… I was in for a haircut the other day and my beautician (about 38) was laughing about her mother (59) wanting to dating and have sex!          

I asked, “Oh, then she’s still alive?”

“Well, yes…”

                     

“Then why wouldn’t she still want red-hot monkey sex?”  There was no reply – just slack-jawed surprise.

          

Men and women of all ages are grossed out by the though of their parents having sex. I for one, am grossed out at the thought of my KIDS having sex. Ewww!

Puppies and kittens…. Puppies and kittens….  Puppies and kittens….

Women have to stop treating other women as if they’re some kind of threat. Most likely, they’re not. And if they are, then put the blame squarely where it belong, on your husband, for whatever reason.

FACT: A woman cannot ‘steal’ a man away. He freakin’ goes willingly, but we generally blame the other woman. I’m not saying I approve of a woman (married or single), dating a married man, but they are not the one that made and broke the marriage vows, now are they...

Twitching tracks here… but my husband and I went to a new steak house the other night and a cute young woman came to the table with two small plates. She smiled and placed them in front of us. The she said slowly… “These are for you appetizers”.

I wanted to laugh, but I just nodded and smiled that I understood, instead.

However, when she asked if she could explain anything to us on the menu, I replied, “No, thanks; we’ve played restaurant before”. Okay, so sometimes I’m a smart-ass, but only when faced with condescension. 

So, what is condescension? Is it just me being sensitive? I don’t think so. My rule for judging condescension is, Would they say/ask that of someone in their twenties? If they answer is ‘YES’, then it not condescension, but if the answer is ‘of course not’, then it sure as hell, is.

Thought? Let me know what you think!

Welcome to the SABERTOOTH SISTERHOOD

Sabertooth:  when you’ve evolved past, and out grown the  

cougar stage and boy-toys. 

Ladies! Okay I get it. The whole red and purple thing; being old and laughing at forgetfulness, weak bladders and muffin tops. Yeah, I get it, but I won’t accept it. When I see a bunch of cackling women, dressed like that, I just feel sad. I see no confidence, pride or zest for life. I just see a bunch of women with a ‘look at me’ attitude, trying very hard to ‘look happy’.

Unlike Ivana who was quoted as saying she’d never look older than 29 as long as a plastic surgeon draw breath. She looks very good, FOR HER AGE, but let’s face it, no one would ever accuse her of being 29. Same goes [went] for Mae West. She too lived under that same illusion.

Looking our very best for whatever age we are, is all you can hope for and/or achieve. So what the hell is my point? We women have to hang together and do not allow ourselves to be marginalized any longer. Oh, you think you’re not?

Let’s run a couple of scenarios and see…..

Has anyone ever said to you: “Well at least you’re still ‘young at heart’” or any other such asinine platitude?

When you go to a new hairdresser, has the stylist every asked you: “Do you just let your hair dry naturally?” They would NEVER ask that of a women in her thirties.

How about: “Do you have access to a computer?” Like it is so far above anyone over the age of 29 that we couldn’t possibly understand such freakin' magic.

The answer is ‘Hell yes, my home is networked and I even have a computer in my kitchen with a couple of thousand of recipes.

The worst is when we do it to each other. Case in point; I went into a national beauty supply store [wearing only clear lip gloss] and started looking at lipsticks [it’s a passion of mine]. A woman about my age came up and said “May I suggest you pick a light orange and a light pink. I carry both in my purse all the time, so I’m always prepared”. I know she was [probably] trying to be helpful, but her slightly condescending smirk that got me.

So… I replied “Oh, is that what these magical things are called. How did you pronounced that again?” She looked confused. “I’ll manage by myself, thanks.” And I swear I said it with a  soft smile.

 

At some point; I don’t know when, we ‘older’ women relinquished our rightful places to the younger ones who sadly revere Paris Hilton, and the whole Jersey crew, and class turned to trash. For some unknown reason, we stopped making eye contact, and quietly went about our business. Who is responsible for this? I believe it’s the fault of the heartland of America. Nebraska to be specific. It seems that once a woman marries, she dons a house-dress, wash-n-wear perms and an obligatory front porch rocking chair. I’m serious; I’ve been to Omaha and it scared the hell out of me.

Well, it all changes today, but I can’t do this myself. We are the woman of Rock and Roll, the 1960’s [give or take a decade]; the women every other generation wishes they were.

They don’t make ‘em like us anymore. Say it, believe it; pass it on.

When you see a Saber Tooth, smile and nod as if we are privy to that all knowing secret: we will not go gently or quietly into the night!

In this column, we’ll discover how to be our very best any age. Not just looks, but health, stamina and yes, even orgasms. We will pool our knowledge and grow from the experience.

I promise we won’t wear hats… but we will make our statement. We are today, forming the SABERTOOTH SISTERHOOD!

Peace and Love, my sisters!