IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR BAGGAGE, I GUESS

A dear friend of mine [male] said that this blog was not funny and sounded very angry; not like me at all. I said that Sabertooth instead of Cougar... is funny! He countered with the fact that he'd had more than one ex-wife that he considered to be sabertooths, and that they both ripped his guts out. 

I promised him that we, as a group here at the Sabertooth Sister, are not those kinds of kitties. 
We play nice, have a laugh and stand up for ourselves... blah, blah, blah.

I do understand how he feel though. I knew his ex-wives and they were... well, let's leave well enough alone. I don't want to re-open the gates of hell, if you get my drift.


Peace and a beautiful weekend, my sisters!

Myths, and Things I just Don’t Get

I just need to clear the cobweb on this lovely Friday morning.....

Why is Boston Market still open? Boston Markets only purpose (in my opinion) is to keep all other bad restaurants from being the worst place in town.

Eyebrows that look like they were drawn on with a Sharpie. I don’t get it, but maybe I’m behind times, but I do know that soft, penciled brows are more flattering to women over 50. I’m just saying….

Walk fast, carry a clipboard and look worried, make you look important. No, it just makes you look unorganized and ill-equipped to do your job.

Copying everyone you know on all your emails makes you look important and productive. WRONG! This one really pisses me off. DO NOT copy anyone just for fun; make it count, unless it’s a really good joke.

What is that crap in the center of a Twinkie? And why does it stay on your teeth until you brush again? Yikes, I just grossed myself out.

Muffin-tops are cute. I think this one must have been made up by the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. Yes, large women certainly have the right to wear anything they want, but a fat-tire protruding through between the t-shirt and jeans, is just plain nasty.

Girls get pleasure…. from riding horses. This one was made up by some horny teenage boy trying to explain why his girlfriend would rather ride her horse than spend time with him. Anyone who believes this should take a class in anatomy.

Budgets [home or business] are written in stone
Noooooooo…. A budget is only a probability statement; not an absolute pledge. 

I’ll do my best, so, phhhtt!

THE ‘DOUCHE’

Every company, club, gym or any group… has one or more of archetype we here in the States call ‘a douche’; which in itself is unfortunate, because a douche bag serves a very useful purpose. Yours may be old or young; male or female. When the day is done, they're all egotistical, narcissistic, self-absorbed, arrogant, pompous, royal pains-in-the-ass.

Allow me to elaborate: too loud, too smiley, pontifical and rambles about theory, concepts and general nonsense. The strange and mysterious drivel falling from their lips is generally 100% erroneous, flawed, incorrect or invalid! The words, "I don't know" have never crossed their lips. They just wing it and like some monkey in a cage flinging poo at the wall in hopes some of it may stick. The claptrap has nothing in particular to do with the question at hand. They always sweep in late, just so they can complain how busy and/or overworked they are. And the most irritating part is that they always do it with a big smile and a sigh. Makes me want to go all “Leather Face” on them! 

Any organized persons knows when acting as a Facilitator (for any endeavor) you say touchy-feely things like, "What I hear you saying is…", but the silly repeats every key point that's made by anyone in a meeting; slowly while nodding in agreement. The assembled crowed rolls their eyes or checks time on their cell phones, while I’m thinking “Fire up the chainsaw!”

Probably the most worrisome trait is how the douche attempts to turn every remark into a sexual double entendre. Now, I work with some very robust and tough women and most are highly skilled in vocal bouts that would make a longshoreman blush. But, damn! Listening to a douche spouting snickering twelve year old boy’s female anatomy jokes, is just embarrassingly stupid.

Most go to their “happy place” and dream of unicorns, puppies and kittens – but all I  hear is the sounds of a revving two stroke engine, a leather mask and maybe a few screams of terror…

I feel much better now. Now, what about those puppies…..

As a wise man once said: “SOMEDAY MEANS NEVER”

 Sabertooth: when you’ve outgrown and evolved past

the cougar stage and boy-toys.

Unless it’s something like “Someday I’ll retire”, you need to get moving.

What are we all waiting for? I’m not criticizing, I’m just wondering.

Funny as it seems [even to me], I’ve always wanted a thin, Maori-type tattoo in the form of an anklet. No butterfly thingy for me, but a simple, shades of black and grey… not something bodacious or trashy, but a sweet, sophisticated anklet…

Three things: I’ve always wanted one, but I’m still without the tat, and still justifying the desire. Goofy, huh?

So why haven’t I?  I don’t know, except I know it will hurt. But hell, I went through natural childbirth, with no drugs at all, and that was in a much more tender part than an ankle. LOL!

I’m really going to look in to it, and not ‘someday’.  I mean this week! I have to plan it so it will be healed before my next big ‘do’ [Californian for soiree].

Hey, I might have one… Okay, so I have to have it done before New Years Eve.  

Anyway… although I feel Nike has human rights violations, their ‘just do it’ is right on. Want that tat? Just do it! What else, what else…

Ah, when my husband and I were in Cancun, Mexico we took a booze cruise to the Isla Mujeres. Mujeres was a small island about seven miles off shore with a restaurant right on the bay and huge sea turtles you could swim with [deep sigh]. On the boat were two women in their late sixties wearing bikinis. Yep, bikinis, tons of local costume jewelry and deep tans.

Some of the people on the boat were very disapproving; clucking like comedy church ladies. Personally, I thought it was WONDERFUL. One young-ish woman suggested they might consider wearing something more ‘age appropriate’.

They both laughed, and said: “We never have to see you people again and frankly”… then she whispered, “I don’t give a shit what you think.”

I laughed my ass off! The young-ish woman gasped and shut up for the rest of the trip. These women drank, swam with the turtles, danced and had a wonderful time! I was amazed how free they were. Everyone should be so uninhibited!

I don’t mean reckless or rude. Twenty-something women wearing bikinis is no big deal, so what’s wrong with two women in the sixties wearing the same thing?

No, they didn’t look like models, but so what; neither do 70% of young women who wear them. 

Okay, so I’m finished ranting about that. Note of caution: If you’re over 60, you might not want to walk around your own neighborhood in a bikini… I’m just saying. Save it for your vacation!

[To be continued]

LET'S GIVE THE SISTERS A BREAK

Sabertooth:  when you’ve evolved past, and out grown the  

cougar stage and boy-toys.

 
So, I’ve been told that I’m too sensitive about hairdressers, and that they ask everyone those inane questions. Is that a fact? Do they really ask a woman of 25 “Have you considered a wash/wear perm?” or “Do you still work?”

Okay, so I will lay off the hairdressers, until next time when one is condescending. It will happen; I guess it’s in their nature. All that gossiping and cattiness. Cattiness; hmmm...

Then it’s not entirely their fault. It’s because hairdressers are predominately ‘women’, and women [like it or not] are cats. Big, beautiful Sabertooth cats….

Another issue is one of listening. Every woman I know says her hairdresser ‘does not always listen’. Really? I worked with a woman who’d never had a moment of joy in her life. Well, probably. She was complaining about her haircut. I mistakenly asked what the problem was. I didn’t mean to engage her, but it just slipped out.

She said I told her I wanted ‘it over the ears’ as she gestured with her finger about half covering her ear. I smiled [and tried not to laugh] and said ‘you realize that over the ears could also mean up over the ears, just like you have.’

She looked shocked with the realization that she hadn’t explained herself properly, but countered with ‘but she’s cut my hair before.’

I smiled and as I walked about pretending my cell phone was ringing said, ‘and in between your haircuts, she’d probably cut over one-hundred other women.’ 

Yes, sometimes they don’t listen, or perhaps on occasion think they know what’s best for us, but more than likely, we don’t fully explain what we want. So if you want ‘over the ear’, demonstrate with your fingers.  ‘A little off the ends’, use your fingers again. A totally different haircut? For everyone’s sake, bring a picture.                             

Me, I have carry a picture of Sharon Stone in her famous Pixie cut in my purse, just in case I have the urge for a cut. Sharon OWNS the Pixie cut. She is my idol.

Peace.

THE MOVIES!

Sabertooth: when you’ve outgrown and evolved past the cougar stage and boy-toys...

Let’s talk about how ‘the movies’ portray older [s h u d d e r] women….

They generally portray women over 45 as demure and easily shocked.

Then when a woman really gets old [Jessica Tandy], there are parts for them again; sometimes even good parts. But face it, not many.

Of course there are exceptions, Dame Judy Dench, Helen Mirren for example. Oh, and Glenn Close (in Damages). Meryl Streep made movies about older women in a sexual situations (It’s Complicated and Mamma Mia), and I applaud her! 

But! What about Sharon Stone, Sigourney Weaver and Goldie Hawn? All beautiful, funny, and great actors, but I don’t see them burning up the screen anymore. They committed the unforgiveable sin of ‘aging’ [blood curdling scream]!

Let’s talk about Hollywood’s bias towards dirty old men, dating young girls/women, and against women over 50 [it’s really more like 40, but I won’t quibble]. Just for fun, let’s examine some specifics of some asinine dialogue. There are more, but this one really irked me when I saw it.

FLASHDANCE

When meeting her ‘friends’ ex-wife Jessica Beal says, “As a matter of fact... l fucked his brains out,”  to which his ex replies, “Obviously, you did. Charmed, dear.”

Much too gracious for the encounter. The ex-wife seemed embarrassed, excuses herself and slinks away.

She should have laughed and said, “Oh, baby girl… That was accomplished years ago!” Then blew him a kiss and walked away slowly, laughing and shaking her head.

First, the character had no valid reason to be so damned crude, rude and snarky to a woman she didn’t even know. Actually, there was nothing to remotely like about that Beal character, except the dance number with the whole water thing— very cool.

Secondly, her would-be boyfriend was a total dork. Enough said.

Let’s see…

Young, pretty witches are always good, and the old, ugly crones are almost always bad. I’d love to see a sweet attractive old crone and a mean, bitchy young witch. No one would believe it, huh? No, wait—

PRACTICAL MAGIC

with Stockard Channing and Dianne Wiest. They, and that movie are the exception, and that’s the ONLY example I can come up with, and I’ve tried. Of course, Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman were equally brilliant.

We will remain, 'fair and balanced' even if FOX isn't.

Peace!

RULE # 2: The Sabertooth Sisterhood is by, for and inclusive of ALL women

[I swear it’s a true story]:

My distance vision is perfect due to RK years ago on just one eye. The eye surgeon told me that my eyes would then balance things out and I could see perfectly close and far. It worked beautifully. However he did warn me that eventually my close vision would get worse; aging and all that crap.

So it started to happen, either my arms were too short or my up close vision was failing miserably. Contact lenses! Easy enough, and cheap too since I only needed one at a tune for the close-vision eye.

I went to an optometrist out of the phone book [never a good idea].

She had huge, long puffy hair, way too much makeup, perfume and jewelry.

I started my mantra from the moment I walked in: “I will not judge, I will not judge, I will not judge…”

The exam began and still I kept an open mind even through her many sighs and deep breaths. I really wanted to ask her if I was keeping her from something more interesting, but I did not.

Then she said, “I’m sorry I can’t make you any younger.” Yep, that’s what she said. Then I took a deep breath, and another. And then another.

“I didn’t ask to be made younger,” I said making those annoying little quote marks in the air. “Besides, just what would that accomplish?” I asked with a slight smile.

          

“Well, better eyesight!” she snipped. “And you wouldn’t want to be younger?” She actually gasped in astonishment.

          

“No.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Because I wouldn’t have the experience, knowledge or patience to put up with people like you saying totally idiotic things. Now, are you going to get on with the exam, or shall I consider this appointment canceled?”

“I’ll write you a prescription for contacts,” she mumbled and walked out. I hope that was a learning experience for her about Customer Service, but I seriously doubt it. Empathy is a very good thing; condescension is NOT.

        

Please understand, I’m not suggesting we turn in to a roving band of bitches. Merely that instead of simpering and always deferring, we stand proud and speak our minds. We have to change the perception of older women, one instance at a time.

Our message to the world? “They don’t make ‘em like us anymore. Look, observe, listen and learn!”

Peace my sisters!