FEELING LIKE CRAP?

I know that sometimes it feels like the whole universe is conspiring against you. At least I do. But keep in mind, that is never an excuse to crap on family or friends just to make yourself feel a little better. Did I hear someone mutter 'bullshit'?

Think about it. Its the human-nature-trickle-down [not theory], but reality.
Or the 'bitchiness is catching' paradigm.

Feel like crap? Then go the gym. I'm starting this morning; I swear! I will take it out on the equipment and by summer, I might even get into my not-so-chubby-jeans.

Love ya', mean it!

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION – clear the air!

 AN OPEN LETTER

to every pain-in-the-ass I’ve ever known….

Dear [insert name here],

You are a brilliant [insert title].

You have more certifications than a rehab center, and you seem to love your mother…

However:

You are negative.

You are a whiner.

You are cranky and a know-it-all.

You are always late to [appointments, meetings, parties], if you show up at all.

You seem to think you're above answering emails or phone messages.

You demean your friends.

You drop the F-bomb (which at times, can be very funny) inappropriately.

I can't trust to let you in the same room with anyone I care about.

You drop bad news prematurely, claiming that you were taught to tell the truth.

You have never learned the value of silence. You have the right, but not the ability.

You exaggerate, if not plain lie.

Overall, you are a royal pain in the ass and WAY too high maintenance.

Next time you think of getting together with me; don’t bother. I’ve really tried with you, but I’m running out of garlic….. and I'm kicking your sorry-ass to the curb.

Wow, I’m feeling much better now!

Boo-yah!

SPEAKING OF SHOPPING…

Yesterday I was shopping for a few last minute items for Christmas at an un-named department store, and observed a woman about my age… [Sabertooth-ish] looking at men’s underwear. She had a slight frown on her face; not angry, but more of a ‘what the hell should I buy’ look.

Carpe Diem! I chuckled and said, “It’s been a while since I purchased men's underwear. When did they get so expensive?”

She looked surprised and replied, “I know. It’s ridiculous!”

“I thought panties were expensive, but three pair of these for $34? I told my husband if I was going to spend that much on his undies, he was going to wear something more interesting than tighty-whities!”

She and I laughed and proceeded to have an interesting conversation about whether it was improper for a grandmother to give her college age grandson undies for Christmas.

She showed me a pair of [brand name] athletic boxer shorts, in a stylish, dark blue. She asked if I thought her grandson would be horrified.

I said, ‘Not at all. My guess is he’ll think you are totally cool… however, a thong might cross the line.”

We laughed and went our separate ways.

My point? Don’t be shy; reach out to your Sabertooth sisters! We’re an experienced, fascinating group. Let’s loosen up and bond.

Case in point. I was grocery shopping a while back in an unfamiliar store. I asked a woman who was passing me if she knew where the cookies were.

She frowned and snapped: “You’re asking me because I’m fat and I would know where the damned cookies are, right?”

I laughed and said, “No… you’re the only person around!”

She sighed and told me how she’d been unsuccessful in her many attempts to lose weight, and admitted she just might be a bit sensitive on the subject.

Then she laughed and told me where the cookies were. 

We continued on our way with smiles. Good times….

THE HOLIDAYS are here……

DO YOU HATE THIS TIME OF YEAR?  ARE YOU TOTALLY STRESSED OUT,

AND DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR RELATIVES BECAUSE ALL YOU DO IS FIGHT?

REALLY? I MEAN… REALLY?

THEN DON’T FREAKIN’ DO IT!  

“But I have to….”  

           No you don’t.

“But we always get together.”

           So you always get together even though no one enjoys it.

Well, I guess some enjoy it.

           Are you one of them?

Well, sometimes…”

           Then just what are you bitching about?

“I’M STRESSED!”

           About what, exactly?

“I buy people really good, well thought out presents and no one likes them. It’s not fair!”

           Then stop buying presents.

“But they will be expecting something…”

           Then… make a charitable contribution in THEIR name and give them a card stating that.

“They won’t like that.”

           You said they don’t like anything, so they worst thing that can happen is that some charity will benefit. Right….?

“Yeah…” 

           So, what else has you stressed?

“The baking and cooking and decorating…”

           Then:

                      Got buy your goodies at the bakery

                      Keep you menu simple, after you’re choosing it.

                      Keep your decorations to a minimum.

“I can’t do that! I have to do all those things!”

           Really? I mean… Really?

Then the solution is simple: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!

You are stressed because you allow yourself, and choose to be stressed.

Ah, ah, ah!

You are choosing to be a whiny gas-bag. 

Why? Because everyone else is. And if you watch television and movies, it’s the cool thing to do, and that kind of negative thinking is in epidemic proportions. Its become totally un-cool to love Christmas. What kind of bullshit is that?

Well, friends, I LOVE CHRISTMAS and the whole holiday season, starting with Halloween. I love to decorate, cook and bake. I never, and I mean NEVER cook, bake or place one decoration that I don’t want to.

Is it that easy. YES!  If you really don’t wanna do it; then don’t. 

PEACE, LOVE, OUT!

Acknowledgment; a Necessary and Good Thing

….but not when it’s just redundant, empty words.

I once worked for a company with several people who were true believers in Acknowledgment, and every time I turned around, I was told, “You are so valuable. We really appreciate you… blah, blah, blah.

I didn’t work for or with any of them, and I doubt they even knew what my job function was. They might as well have been robots. It was so freakin’ irritating and more than that, it was mindlessly insincere.

Hold on, I’m not saying that acknowledging good work and/or service isn’t a good or necessary venture. I’m just saying make it count. Know the person you are praising, know their work, and PULEASE don’t overdo it. One too many ‘you are a rock star’ comments, and you might as well tell them ‘you’re really very average’.

So what if someone really is just average; then what? Well, that depends. Are you the companies Social Director and it’s your job to compliment people mindlessly?

Oh, you’re not; okay then... skip the whole thing.

I’m talking about managers that run teams, divisions, etc., and you have some very qualified people that work very well with and for you. Simply tell them that you value them, without all the bullshit and flowers. Easy, huh?  You’d think, but some managers just don’t get it!

Okay, so this same person I mentioned earlier, almost every day, would seek me out and begin to tell me how wonderful, neat, cool and indispensable I was. You guessed it; I flipped out.

I just could not take one more empty compliment, so instead of simply saying, ‘thanks’, I said, “I’ll tell you exactly how valuable I am. I earn $___­­­­____ dollars per year, always make a bonus of $_______ quarterly. I am invited to all the private corporate parties and I always get to sit at the cool kids table in the cafeteria. Now fair is fair, tell me how valuable you are, m-kay?” 

After that day, life got a lot better at that place. I did good work, I knew it… and I was still sitting at the cool kids table. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Peace and Sincerity

THOUGHTS ON PLASTIC SURGERY AND/OR BOTOX

I know many women who swear by both. I’m guessing that there must be something in the anesthetic that make it addictive, because once you start, it seems to be an endless process. But… after watching Plastic Surgery Horror Stories… ahhhhhh! I can’t even imagine taking that kind of risk; but that’s just me.

I’m sure no one thinks it will happen to them. “Mine will be fine. My doctor said I was a good candidate.” Okay then, I guess some of the mutilated women you can find in any mall, must just be the unlucky ones.

What I love is some of the before and after pictures, that you can’t tell apart. See? It’s the drugs they give you. YOU see something very different that what the rest of the world sees. YOU look in the mirror and see Bo Derek  at 17, while everyone else see Phyllis Diller (No offense intended; Phyllis looks great for 94!).

Plastic surgery has worked wonders for thousands of women and that’s a fact, but what if you were the one in a hundred?  YIKES!

Then there’s Botox. There are other choices, but Botox is the most popular and I freakin’ DO NOT GET IT. For a good laugh, just Google, ‘duckface’.  There are movie stars that insist they lips are natural, even though you can look up pictures of them before they succumbed to the duckface look; some less, some more.

Look up Megan Fox [just to mention one] in high school as a teenager… Why would a pretty women want to have fat lips and frozen snot trough? I do know why, but it is a bit obscene… So you want to know? Okay, but you asked. I man who is one of by best friends, once said that one of the duckfaced actresses was sooooo sexy and fantasized about… well… ‘Oh, those lips!’

I knew where he was going, but I put him on the fire. “What about the lips?” I asked.

“Come on, you know! All men dream about oral sex with lips like those.”

“Would you like your wife to have lips like those?”

“No… well, maybe just once in a while!” Then he started to laugh and blush [true story]!

So, as long as you stay away from freezing your snot trough, and go easy on the whole Botox thing… hell, I don’t know. If you can tell someone has used Botox, then it’s too much. And if you decide to give it a try, I hope you get the results you want.

Peace

SABERTOOTHS' TRUTHS!

I received this in an email from my daughter, who is a Sabertooth in training. Of course, she doesn’t think so, but just give it time…. but I digress!  I don’t know who the author is, but you know it’s a woman!

Enjoy!

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10.      Cats' facial expressions.

 9.       The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

 8.       Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

 7.       Fat clothes.

 6.       Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

 5.       The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

 4.       Cutting your hair to make it grow.

 3.       Eyelash curlers.

 2.       The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

 AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1.     OTHER WOMEN

Enjoy your weekend!